Why Being a Lonely Stay at Home Mom in a Foreign Country is the Hardest Job

Living abroad can sound like a dream, and I know I idealized it for many years before we made this move. The highs are what you’d imagine- immersing yourself in a new culture, meeting incredible people, learning a new language, and exploring new places. But for stay-at-home parents, especially those with young children, the experience can be profoundly isolating.

While living overseas certainly has its highlights, the actual day to day life is challenging. I’ve been reflecting a lot on some of the biggest challenges and why being a lonely stay at home mom has been particularly tough lately. I think there are many factors that make it the hardest and loneliest job I’ve ever had.

This is not to gloss over the fact that we are incredibly privileged in many ways. We have a safe home, my kids are loved, my oldest is receiving an incredible education at an international school, and we always have access to food.

I’ve worked many “hard jobs” that have been challenging in different ways. Some “hard” jobs I’ve had are social worker at a Title I school, refugee trauma therapist, and foster parent. I’ve had other challenging jobs like working in the service industry (I did not last long) or as a Peace Corps volunteer in rural Kenya.

But being a stay at home mom in the Congo has been the hardest job I’ve had so far. Here are a list of the things that I have found to be particularly challenging as a stay at home parent in a foreign country:

The Language Barrier

One of the most immediate challenges is the language barrier. Even simple tasks like grocery shopping, getting a taxi, or ordering at a restaurant can be really hard when you don’t speak the local language fluently.

In Kinshasa, the primary languages are Lingala and French. I’ve taken 12 weeks of French classes and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m perpetually sleep deprived or if I’m just not great at learning languages anymore, but I have no desire to learn French. I have signed up for Lingala classes and hope that may make life a little easier here.

I’d like to reach out beyond the expat community and make friends with Congolese families here, but my inability to speak a local language makes that a challenge.

A Lack of Community

Parenting in your home country often comes with built-in support systems like family, friends, or playgroups. Abroad, those networks exist but very differently. Building a community takes time and when you’re a stay at home parent, time already feels incredibly long. Some days feel like they draw out forever.

Expat communities, while helpful, can also feel transient. People and families often come and go, and in this job, this happens monthly. I know that fostering relationships here are important and meaningful, but it all feels so temporary. It’s hard to feel grounded in community when the people around you are constantly in flux too.

Adding to this, it’s a challenge to plan and go to play dates when that often involves calling a taxi (which may be an hour or two late) and then navigating intense traffic (could be 3-4 hours) to get to said play date. By the time I leave the house, I’m already exhausted and wishing I could be back home.

This logistical nightmare of getting anywhere in Kinshasa may change when I get a car here, but the traffic situation is unlikely to improve.

A Full-Time Job with No Breaks

As a stay-at-home parent, your job is 24/7, and when you’re overseas, there’s often no family or close friends nearby to step in for a break. This can feel relentless. Without access to trusted childcare or familiar systems of support, it’s easy to burn out.

We recently hired a nanny/ housekeeper who has become an integral part of our support system here. She’s incredible and my youngest child loves her- his face lights up when he sees her and he will run across the room with open arms to her. I’m so grateful for her help and kindness.

We certainly wouldn’t be able to afford this type of household help in the states. Then again, we might not need household help if we had a dishwasher or floors that didn’t need to be mopped everyday due to the mud.

Invisible Labor

In a foreign country, the logistical load of managing a household often falls on the stay-at-home parent. From learning where to shop for essentials to figuring out how to navigate a new school system, it’s all new and a lot to learn. It’s mentally exhausting, yet this invisible labor often goes unacknowledged.

Another example of the invisible labor of parenting while overseas is making sure the “magic” still happens for your children. In the Congo, it takes 4-8 weeks for packages to arrive from the states. Thus, I’m ordering Christmas gifts 8 weeks ahead of time, planning for Valentines cards 2 months before they’re needed. Before you ask, why don’t I buy these items locally, you can read more about the shocking cost of living in the Congo here.

Losing identity

Motherhood is rewarding in the long run and often hard in the day to day. I’m so proud of the people my children are and that I get to help them be and become kind, curious, justice-focused, adventurous humans. And I find it hard to maintain a sense of self while being a stay at home parent.

In the states, working a paid job was a big part of my daily life. While I’ve looked loosely for jobs here, they often require an ability to speak French which, as I shared above, I have not learned.

It’s also challenging to have to depend on my partner for so many things when that was never the case before. If we need something fixed in our home, it goes through him and his job. He also speaks French, so does much of the communication when we’re out and about. Lastly, he has a work car and does all the driving, I can only run errands when he’s at home.

The power difference and change in my independence has been a huge adjustment and frankly, real shitty to get used to.

It’s impossible to walk out our door and be inconspicuous in any way. We stand out and that means that we’re often bombarded with asks. As foreigners, it’s assumed rightly so, that we have a higher income than the average income of locals, many who live off of $2.15 a day.

This means I’m often asked, in a span of 30 minutes, for money about 6-8 times. This can be innocuous or it can be aggressive. Often people are showing me their open wounds or clearly ill babies. I want to help, and I sometimes do, but I also cannot give money to every single person that asks me to. It’s heartbreaking, enraging, tragic and truly unfair that people are living in such dire poverty.

It’s exhausting to constantly be bombarded with asks and I’m always on edge going out in public. People stare, take pictures, touch us, etc. and it’s just not a relaxing experience to walk around outside.

There are a lot of things that I relied on in the states to make parenting easier that absolutely could not happen here. Target pick up, Uber eats , or Safeway delivery of groceries- none of that exists here.

Grocery shopping is a half day affair, that costs a small fortune and everything looks different in new to us packaging and is hard to find. If you find something you love at the grocery store, don’t get your hopes up the next week as you’ll probably never see it again.

The unfamiliarity of grocery shopping combined with the overstimulation of constantly standing out (yes, people ask us for money or touch me/my kids even in the grocery store) is all too much at times. Did I tell you about the time when I had a full grown up meltdown in the grocery store and cried all through checkout?! Yes, it happened and yes, I went back to the same store and wanted to cry all over again.

Postpartum Anxiety

I’ve struggled with post partum anxiety after my first baby and it’s only exacerbated here. In the states I used to worry about if my kid was getting the best learning opportunities and if I was meeting all of his developmental and social emotional needs.

Now in the Congo, here’s a short list of things I’ve worried about for my children recently:

Water scorpion bites

Getting e.coli contaminated water in their mouth during bath time

Malaria

Mpox

Mysterious hemorrhagic diseases

Random rashes

Falling into the open sewage in front of our house

Developing lung diseases or asthma from all the burning trash

Getting hit by a car while walking on a road due to no sidewalks

Car crashes because there are literally no driving rules

Congolese construction standards

Anti- American sentiment and protests

Food allergies

Mold growth because our house is always damp and humid

Nutrition deficiencies

Acid flies & bot flies

Rabies

Parasites in the dirt that apparently crawl under your nails

I’m sure there are other things I’m forgetting. Phew. Just a *short list* of things causing me anxiety about living and parenting my children in the Congo. 

Self Care Looks Different

In the states, self care could look like going on a hike (not possible here with limited walkable areas and no green spaces), spending time with mom friends (also not possible here) or going over to my family’s house for dinner (also not possible here).

I’ve been looking for other ways to practice self care here, but it’s often more stressful than relaxing. Want to go for a relaxing swim after a long day of parenting? Watch out for water scorpions in your pool.

When my husband suggested maybe I need to do a yoga class or do some art, I nearly screamed and certainly wanted to punch him in the face. I wish the challenges of living here could be solved with a yoga class and 30 minutes of creativity time. But sadly, it’s much more complex.

What works for me

For some, this life overseas might look glamorous filled with lots of travel and adventure. And sometimes it certainly is. I can’t think of another lifestyle where we’d be able to take a day trip to see zebras and rhinos or an afternoon cruise to look for crocodiles.

For some, this post might seem ungrateful, especially compared to the local Congolese standards. And while I’m grateful for many opportunities my husband’s job has afforded us and the safety we experience on a day to day basis, it doesn’t change that the day to day of life here is full of challenges, unique to being a stay at home parent overseas. I’m embracing the “both/and” of real, messy life. I can be grateful for this opportunity AND profoundly frustrated and lonely.

Despite all the (many) reasons I’ve listed above, there are some things that have been helpful in navigating this season of being a lonely stay at home mom overseas.

This has been helpful for me and perhaps will be helpful for you too:

• Be proactive about connection: Look for expat groups, local parenting forums, or language exchange meetups to meet others who might share your experiences. Here, in the Congo, there is a robust group of expats and spouses. I’ve met some wonderful people through it.
• Create a routine that feels normal: Even a 20-minute solo walk every morning or re-reading a favorite book can help.
• Volunteer: Find local volunteer opportunities to give back to your new community. I’m excited to start volunteering at a local mental health organization soon.
• Embrace the both/and: Reminding myself of the both/and has been so helpful for navigating loneliness and guilt. I can feel grateful and be sad. I can feel excited and exhausted. I can feel privileged and feel frustrated.
• Feel it all: Whenever I feel myself getting sad, I try to lean into it. Feeling it all is important for processing emotions so when I’m sad I let myself cry. I always feel better after a good cry.
• Give back: When I can, I always try to share food with our neighbors, guards, and nanny. Cooking and baking for others has been a good way to connect
• Journaling: Writing travel stories here on this blog has been helpful in many ways. Letting me process experiences and capture memories to be able to look back on, eventually.
• Learn new skills: Learning new skills has been helpful to pass the time, I’m learning to bake with sourdough and will be learning a new language soon.
• Yoga/ exercise: Despite wanting to punch my husband in the face when he suggested I do a yoga class, I do really enjoy yoga and know it’s great for me both mentally and physically. These are my favorite yoga videos.
• Therapy: Last, but not least, therapy is so important. For folks overseas, I’ve heard great things about this practice and have recently reached out to establish care.

Final Reflections From a Lonely Stay At Home Mom

Being a stay-at-home parent in a foreign country can be challenging in many ways. I often feel isolated, lonely, exhausting, and emotionally drained. If you’re in this season of life, know you’re not alone. The challenges are real and someday I’m hoping that I look back and see this chapter of life in the Congo as one of growth and reflection.

Did any of these resonate with you? Feel free to leave a comment below or connect with me on Instagram @Fullpassportfamily